So the sentimental value of this place was all worth saving and I felt being a superwoman hero when summoned all my energy to migrate it to the safety…took few trips down the memory lane in the process and was mildly surprised by the rediscovered inspiration to keep it going…well, it appears that intentions are not always in sync with opportunities…after so many years and so many changes in life’s routines to find that magical moment when there is a thought and there is a time turns out to be yet another challenge…But since it looks like I am here and I am writing, I might just have to promise to myself to be patient and take “it comes when it comes” approach…
So…here I am again…and that means – I’ve been thinking…and I’ve got things to say…it looks like the Cambodian Tales will have to wait, as epic as that journey has been, it is already deep in memories and it doesn’t matter when it’ll make it to the records…instead, let’s catch up with today’s. And with what happened in previous episodes of my life’s series…After all, it’s been 5 years…
Today we have what is on everyone’s mind. Today we have Pandemic. On a general observation note my personal feeling about it is that it is not as scary as it is made to be. But I know many would disagree and perhaps, have personal experience to backup their opinion. I haven’t. I do read news, don’t get me wrong, I understand the scale of it is unprecedented. I just disagree with the way we have chosen to react to it. Everyone has suddenly became an expert in virology, government, laws and seems to know better what to do and whom to blame…Sometimes access to too much information can backfire and you no longer trust the sources…
Personally, I am staying out of popular topic and this is my first public post on it. I also intend this to be my last. There are too many different views out there already, no point to add to the pool, it won’t be a valuable contribution. So, let’s just get to the personal.
Let’s start from where I am today and see where it takes us.
Pandemic and I…at times, when I think of it, it freaks me out that it came about “right on time” for when my mother got her stroke in January 2020 and my life has changed so dramatically, it is certainly a new chapter, and I would even compare the level of changes to the same scale as those I had after divorce. Drastic. In few words…my mother lives with me. I am her only provider and carer. She used to be wheelchair disabled. And now she is bed bound. My life is revolving around this. It’s that simple.
..If it is possible to say anything good about pandemic, it would be that it was…helpful (?!) in my situation…the lockdown made it so easy to alter my working routine, cancel my social engagements and relationships obligations…and granted me an opportunity to adjust to the new responsibilities and new way of life…God knows for how long this is gonna last with mother, but at least I was spared from the added stress of the need to organise work-life balance, possibly losing partial income, etc etc… So, I may say something blasphemous here, but I am almost grateful for pandemic, in a very selfish way…
Both me and mother were spared from the infection so far…Mother already had both jabs, I am waiting for my second one…to me the jabs are something that you just have to have to ensure no obstacles for the times when we’ll be released back into normality. Whatever New Normality might be. I do flu jabs every year. One more, one less, does it matter…
Staying at home also means – noticing things you tried to ignore before, previously left to “some other time”…I am talking about house maintenance tasks that, as the house ages, become more and more demanding…at times I think, I can’t take it anymore…a threshold of endurance…a line where we cross what we thought was a limit, only to discover there is a second breath to be taken…a second episode to this sequel…another mountain to climb and, amusingly, another stock of energy rediscovered among the speckles of the previous supply’s leftovers…I’ve got to a point when any new challenge only causes a raised eyebrow …what…another one…who cares…I could laugh hard at my clumsy attempts not to see it coming…of course, one can close eyes as much as they want, the reality is still there on every blink…so we learn to “just get on with it”…in my case the getting on involves commitment to a heavy loan desperately needed for fixing things that need fixing. There is no negotiation or compromise when a roof over one’s head in need of repair…I guess, it’s been neglected for so many years, it’s got to the point of near emergency…and, as you may know it, the roof is the most expensive thing in a house, next to a mortgage…so yeah, no eaves or butts, they say, the whole retiling business…almost equals to the new extension build in the labour and money sense…you go, me, what’s another issue to that big-ish pile of all the rest of them…let us laugh together to spite the bitchy fate…once again I am reminded how two incomes are better than the one…this keeps coming back to my mind more often than not, how different things were when I had a husband and his money…mind you, we never did anything about the house anyway…had no vision of the future challenges whatsoever…
In the background of a depressive song, the mind has no space for emotional stuff…head down and full charge forward…I am just surviving…day to day stuff, you know…just like everyone else…